The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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