ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
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The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
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Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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