Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
