I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You've changed since you got that strap on
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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