all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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