..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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