Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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