All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
