Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
