last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
