Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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