I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
