I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
