As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
