So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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