I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
