hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize