She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
