please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
