Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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