I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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