that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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