I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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