Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
