I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
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I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
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When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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