My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Everclear isn't food dammit
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
