I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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