Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
The chlamydia really affected his face.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
