grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
