just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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