I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
