I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
