you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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