I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
