if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
