There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
