You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
