I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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