Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
