Dude my mom stole all your condoms
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
