Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
