We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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