You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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