He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
