Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
