I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
