I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
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