I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
