he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
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