I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I just cut my nipple shaving
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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