I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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