I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
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