i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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