seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
