Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
